Cycles
by athenian7656
Summary: Jane and Maura each deal with their past issues while they figure out how to deal with the present following Doyle's shooting. Jane's anger is explained, and Maura's passivity. Spoilers/new show bits may be worked in later.
1. Chapter 1

Jane sat with her hands in her lap. The room was full of silence, Jane could feel the unsaid words building up beneath the surface of the skin on her forehead. She crinkled her eyebrows together in a scowl as old as herself. Angela breathed in heavily, blew her nose loudly into a kitchen towel she had happened to be holding. Frankie startled suddenly next to her, kicking Jane in the leg as he did so.

"I have to clean this up, you kids go outside", Angela urged Jane and Frankie out of the door. Jane was confused, Angela never asked them to leave, she usually wanted them around at all times. "Who was it, just now, on the phone?" Jane asked. Frankie chimed in, "yeah, ma, what was that all about?" as Angela finally just plopped down in the chair opposite them.

"I can't talk about it, it's…too…", Angela began to sob heavily again. Jane tried to hug her in a half hearted sort of way, patting her gently but awkwardly on the arm as she did so. Frankie was more readily able to hug his mother, and did his best to calm her down. They both had an ulterior motive, as much as they loved their mother. Something had happened with dad, who neither of them had heard much about in a long time.

Frankie managed to get Angela's voice a notch or two quieter before the neighbors called the cops, and Jane had to remind them of her ever-present badge. Jane felt around in her pocket for it absent-mindedly, a habit she had more and more these days. She found it with the corner of her thumbnail, and rubbed it between her fingers. The room was silent again, the feeling Jane hated was back, her eyebrows crinkled together again.

"Janie, I'm so sorry", Angela began, but failed to finish her sentence. Jane leaned forward, her hand on her knee, feigning a patience she didn't know she could pretend to have. "What's going on? Tell us", Jane tried to treat her mother the way she would any other person in distress, the way she would if she were at work. Angela just shook her head, too many years the mother of cops.

Jane and Frankie met eyes over their mother's sobbing body, both well aware that they wouldn't be getting much out of ma tonight.

Jane wrapped herself up in a coat she found by the door. Ever since her mom had moved back in she'd had a hard time keeping up with the mess. Somehow, her mother seemed to have gotten worse at housework over the years. The labeling of Maura's entire kitchen had been nothing compared to the disorganized messes she left all over Jane's house. While Jane had her slobbish tendencies, she had never been this messy on her own, she was sure of it. Also, she was sick of taking out the trash every five minutes. Angela had been baking up a storm, and the garbage and dishes went on for days.

As Jane left her apartment and walked out into the street, she thought about how much hated her life right now. Once, she may have called Maura and they would have attacked the dishes. Maura would have made doing the dishes fun, she would have gone on about some gross or weird thing and Jane would have splashed her and they would probably have both ended up covered in water and bubbles.

Jane's phone was sorely missing recent calls from Maura, however. They'd been separated after the horrible mess of things that had occurred in that warehouse. Jane had barely seen Maura since then, especially since she had left the station. Nobody answered at her house, and Jane drove by regularly looking for Maura's car, to no avail. If she weren't so terrified of what would happen when she found her, Jane would have been more worried about what had happened that took Maura away for so long.

Jane tried to imagine where Maura would be. Probably somewhere halfway around the world, some fancy place with people who pamper you, and mud baths with cucumber eye masks. Jane remembered how much fun they had that day, even though she had protested and pretended to hate it. Maura had laughed so hard at her, but Jane had gotten her back pretty well. It had been a good day despite what followed their mud bath. Jane remembered what they had been wearing and blushed when she thought about how intimate they had once been. She couldn't imagine them being that close again now.

"You worried about ma?" Jane jumped two feet in the air and spiraled around with a roundhouse kick. "The hell?" she said as she recovered from her shock at seeing Frankie standing so close to her without her noticing him walk up. "Woah, calm down! I was just making sure you were okay out here, it's late", Frankie explained. Jane pointed to Frankie's chest, "LITTLE BROTHER", she said firmly. "BIG SISTER", she said as she pointed to her own chest. Frankie tried to come up with some witty thing to say back, but stopped once her saw her face. Jane hated being scared, and he should probably have known better.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Really, though, aren't you kind of worried about her?", Frankie asked. "Yeah, I don't even know where she is, I haven't heard from her really since the shooting, actually", Jane admitted to her brother and to herself for the first time. "What? What are you talking about?" Frankie asked, confused. "Oh, what were you talking about?", Jane tried to deflect.

"I was talking about our mother, the woman crying her heart out upstairs right now. Who were you talking about?", Frankie asked, a bit more knowingly than Jane would have liked or appreciated. "I can't remember, just thinking", Jane said. "Yeah, right", Frankie shot back tentatively.

"We can't make her tell us anything", Jane said suddenly. "Who?", Frankie was finally truly puzzled. "MA", Jane said, annoyed, as if Frankie could somehow follow her convoluted train of thought. "So I guess we're just nice or something, and she'll tell us when she's ready", Jane said finally.

"I thought you'd be more worried," Frankie was genuinely shocked by Jane's mild acceptance of her mother's secrecy. The women were more alike in some ways than either of them knew, but Frankie saw it. "I've got other stuff to deal with right now", Jane said in a rough voice that seemed caught between anger and pain. Frankie was shocked at her admittance, and accepted her answer readily.

The door opened to the apartment building and Angela poked her head out, the light from the hallway shining through from behind her. Jane looked at her and remembered her childhood, so many nights being welcomed home to that light. She had feared it, however, sometimes. Why? Something had haunted her in bed at night. She had believed there were monsters under her bed, in her closet, in the shadows of her room's treasures that she delighted in during the day. Didn't every child fear those things?

Why was she thinking about that now? She had gone away somewhere for a second when she remembered it, and her mom and Frankie were both heading inside now. Jane came back to reality and remembered her mother's tears, she rushed to her side now in a way she rarely did, and took her hand. Jane's other hand reached for her badge, but edged away to her phone, and the number she missed seeing on her caller ID, the one person who could make everything okay again.

'Because Dean was a total asshole,' Maura put her book about anthropology as a religion. She couldn't concentrate on it anyway, the pool was too noisy. The man to her side was sunning himself, he had a beautiful torso, but she couldn't remember his name at all. Maura felt like she was forgetting things more these days, her brain felt so scrambled. Her thoughts veered away from Dean to the real culprit, Jane. How angry she was at Jane.

Jane's eyes had been so wide in surprise when Maura had yelled out at her not to touch her father. Maura herself had been startled by the sound of her own voice. It was as if some other part of her was speaking. She remembered how angry she felt in that moment, the way it had worked up her arms and thighs, a heat not unlike lust. It was equally as hard to control, and because Maura had never felt its unique rush before, she had no idea how to when it happened. The rage had come, and had not stopped coming.

She had, though. The young man next to her was gorgeous from an artistic standpoint. The Golden Rule, his symmetry, was perfect; it indicated healthy genetic code and youth. He was not so young that he did not know what he was doing, but Maura still felt nothing when she was with him. She felt only a slight annoyance and some guilt that made her keep him around….which she suddenly realized wasn't very ethical of her.

"I have to go", Maura said, picking up her towel from the seat she had been laying on. "Where?" the man asked. "I have to go back," Maura said. "To the room?", the man asked. "No, back home, sorry!" Maura tried to gather her things as quickly as she could, "Sorry! I'll leave the room in your name for the next two nights. Take care!" Maura ran off in the direction of their resort room.

She was ready to catch the next plane in less than half an hour. Her ritualistic organizational patterns were cast aside in favor of the frenzied packing she now took part in. Off with her bikini, on with her skirt and blouse, and out the door, into the nearest limousine headed to the airport.

No matter how hot Boston was, it would never be Fiji. Maura climbed out of the limousine she had taken back from the airport. She'd usually catch a ride with Jane, but there was no chance of that now. Maura felt a sudden rush of fear when she realized that she couldn't just call Jane now. It wasn't like she'd forgiven her enough to, but still, she didn't know what to do without her.


	2. Home Again, Home Again, Higglety Pig

Jane sat on the edge of the bed, after waking from a horrible dream. She sipped the glass of water her mother had forced on her, and even accepted some hair stroking she would never normally allow. Jane gulped down the last of the water and tried to breathe more slowly. Her heartbeat had stopped pounding out of her chest. She reached up with two fingers and felt her pulse; it was normal.

"You're welcome", said Angela, with a face like the Cheshire cat's. Jane could tell how happy it made her mother to baby her, and she resented it. She didn't know why. It felt wrong somehow, like she was overcompensating, but for what? Jane couldn't think of anything her mom had really done wrong.

Sure, Jane had always liked her dad more, but that was because he was more fun to be around. He didn't go on about things she didn't care about, and he taught her cool stuff like how to fish and hunt and build things. Her mom just sort of fussed all the time. Jane could remember the first time her dad took them for a weekend to his "spot".

She and her brothers drove for hours to the lake, following her dad's instructions through dirt roads and farm houses in New England. It was one of her best memories. Frankie had been old enough to have adventures with, but still runtier and easy to be beat at things. Tommy had been an overgrown churlish boy with awkward pubescent features coming through in ways he tried desperately to control.

Jane realized she was lost in thought again. Her mom was tapping her shoulder, standing above her. "Get some sleep, c'mon", she said, and settled back onto the bed. Jane sighed and tucked the covers back over herself and her mother. How long was she going to have to sleep in this bed with this woman? She rolled her eyes and let them rest on the ceiling, flashes of her childhood memories still dancing across the blankness above her.

The light switch wasn't working. Maura flicked it once, twice, three times. She stomped her foot a little, and then, surprised at her own reaction, she counted to ten. Maura had been trying that little trick a lot lately. She'd read that it was a simple effect you could create from multiple different mind exercises, but this one was the first she'd decided to try. After all, years of yoga didn't seem to help with this burning feeling she felt all the time now.

The light was obviously out. Maura inched into the room, her hand dragging along the wall to find the other light switch. She'd memorized these light switches when she had first moved in, but somehow had forgotten them in the past week or two. Maura's index finger caught on a protrusion in the wall, and she turned on the kitchen lights with a sigh of relief.

It looked so empty. Had it been any other time, Angela would have been making herself busy in the kitchen to greet Maura and welcome her home. Jane would probably have been bringing in the bags that had grown so heavy in Maura's arms now.

The surfaces were cleaner now, were shiny and bare. Maura had rehired her old cleaning lady before she left, but she had somehow not expected to come home to such an empty house. Angela had never done anything to her, but Maura had found it hard to look her in the eye when she felt so angry at Jane. Angela had sensed that, and had moved out before Maura could say a word.

The burning anger still hadn't gone away. It had come for the first time when she had seen Jane's face after the shot was fired, but it never left. When she looked in the mirror now, Maura saw something literally burning inside of her eyes, and she wondered if other people could see it.

Except she'd gone away as soon as she could, so how would anyone have seen it? Well, Maura supposed what's-his-name had seen it (how could she really have forgotten the name of a man she spent three days with?), if anyone had. Maura couldn't remember him ever seeming afraid of her, and she felt like if anyone did see what she saw when she looked in the mirror now, they would be. She felt like a monster.

The guilt was almost as bad as the rush of anger. The anger was powerful, Maura had found ways to use it to her benefit by now. She spoke more forcefully when the valet tried to charge her extra money to get her car because she hadn't tipped him as much as he'd liked the night before. When Jane had called, she'd used that anger not to answer.

Maura found herself looking at her phone. Jane's number was finally just blocked, it went straight to voicemail if she called, which she hadn't in a while. Maura felt herself grow sad at this thought, and checked herself on it. It was not acceptable to feel bad about that when she had made that decision for her own good. Jane was respecting boundaries she had set, and Maura should reinforce them. She hung her head and sighed, her shoulders sagged, and for a second, Maura let herself miss Jane.

Although Maura was back, she hadn't wanted everyone to know immediately. Unfortunately, she had a severe lack of food in the house that she had only just noticed. Her father was not well, but he was alive still. If he was really her father, in any true sense of the word, Maura reminded herself.

She had put herself through a lot of self-education once she was told that she was adopted. She'd studied it religiously, if she were to be honest with herself. Everything she read said that a parent is a person who raised you. Who raised her? She had nannies and then teachers and then she was by herself. Maura couldn't really say that any one person had raised her, really, and she supposed that is why this felt different to her.

Maybe it was just something that happens sometimes. Jane would have told her to stop worrying about it so much and to grab a beer, settle down with her and watch something on television. Maura's stomach grumbled. She needed more sustenance than beer could provide. Her hunger drove her out of the house, against her wishes.

Which is how Maura ended up face to face with Angela at the grocery store. Angela looked a little startled, herself. In fact, when Maura looked closely at her, Angela seemed pretty upset.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, hi!" Maura tried not to sound guilty. She had tried to duck into the next aisle, but it had been far too late. Angela Rizzoli looked like she might hug her if Maura stepped too much closer, and Maura feared that/ She'd always loved Angela's affection, but she was afraid a hug from Jane's mom might make her break down in the grocery store, in front of a crowd of hungry eyes.

Maura blinked her eyes a few times, trying to stash the tears away for later. Angela was making a concerned face now. "Honey, you're beautiful, but you look awful. Have you been eating?", Angela was truly worried now, as she noticed how frail Maura looked.

Maura took a moment to actually think about that question, and realized she hadn't been. "Not really", Maura admitted. "Oh, no", said Angela, as she came up and finally did what Maura had feared. Angela hugged her so tight that Maura could barely breathe, and she loved it. Maura buried her head in Angela's undeniably motherly bosom and sobbed, right there in the grocery store, in front of everyone.

Jane had been going over old notes in her cold case files. Some of the cases were her own, names and dates and faces that haunted her; others were famous cold cases she had always wanted to solve, some of them were older than her. The folders were spread out all over her table, counter, and chairs. Pretty soon, Jane would have to start using the floor. As she looked around, Jane realized she should probably narrow it down.

There were two cases older than her that had always called to her. One was a homicide of a little girl from five years before she was born. Something about the girl's picture looked familiar to Jane. She studied it more closely. "Ruth Ann Platts" was the name beneath the old photocopy. Jane wondered what it was about Ruth Ann that drew her in. Whatever it was, it was the only thing that had successfully kept her from thinking about Maura for over ten minutes, so she decided to dedicate her research to Ruth Ann, in hopes that she would somehow forget everything real about her own life.

Jane swigged her beer and started in on the file. There had been two suspects. One was a fat, hairy old man who had lived down the street from Ruth Ann. Jane recognized the street name, it had been in a part of town where she had played with her brothers sometimes. Tommy had gotten involved with a couple boys from that neighborhood when they were all a bit older, and Jane was sure nothing good had come of them since then.

Jane slid her finger across a picture of another man. He was tall and normal looking. He could have been any All-American baseball player. Jane thought he seemed like a nice looking man, but something about him was too normal, which made him…weird. Jane found his statement and studied his words so carefully that she lost track of time, and fell asleep with his picture in her hand.

They had gone to lunch. Somehow, it seemed fitting, although Maura sort of wished they were back at her house, and Angela were still living with her. It was odd, because she had often felt smothered by Angela when she had been there, but now that she was gone, Maura missed her painfully. When Maura really thought about it, she supposed the only times she really had been annoyed by Angela were when she and Jane had been trying to have some alone time. Even before the…event…they hadn't spent any real time together, just them, in a while.

Angela cocked her head and finally asked the question Maura had both been hoping to hear and fearing most, "when are you and Jane going to make up?"


	4. Chapter 4

WARNING: It gets real soon, so know that before you read ahead, please. This story does deal with abuse, but there will be nothing unnecessarily done for shock value. There will be many rewards at the end of these tunnels. I believe Rizzles is at its best when Jane and Maura work together as partners in crime law enforcement. I have a lot of fun in mind as well.

* * *

Jane's phone rang loudly from her coat pocket. She woke up to the familiar shrill scream of the ringer, put her hand down to get it, and found her badge instead. She took it out, and looked at it for the millionth time since the day she had earned it. Even after thousands of tussles and scrapes, running away from murderers and mobsters, Jane had held on to the same badge. It was the only thing that felt immovable and solid about her life still.

Which is why it had surprised everyone when she walked in and told them all she couldn't sign the document that would have helped them find Maura's father, Patty Doyle after his sudden and unexpected flee from the hospital.

Jane wanted to believe she hadn't done it out of guilt, but she really couldn't explain it any other way. No one had really seemed surprised, actually, except a few folks. Jane bit the inside of her lip a little, squinted at the gleaming badge, and found a smudge. She rubbed it off until it shimmered again, and put it back in it's rightful place in her pocket.

'_What was I doing?_', Jane thought_. 'Ah'_, she found her phone and looked at the missed call. It was her mom. '_Of course'_, Jane said to herself, sighing. She thought about texting Angela, but decided against it when she remembered Angela's previous attempts at text lingo. Anything that increased the chances of a sentence containing her mother and the word "boner" didn't need to ever happen, ever again. Jane opted to call instead.

"HELLO!" Angela yelled into the phone when she answered, right into Jane's overworked ear canal. "Shhh…yeah, MA! It's me!", Jane tried to get her voice loud enough to be heard over her mother's shrill continuous "HELLO?"s.

"Oh,_HI_,Jane", Angela said in a tone Jane didn't particularly care for.

"Yeah, what do you want?" asked Jane impatiently. "To see my daughter", Angela snapped back in her usual tone.

Really she was biting her tongue after each word in an attempt to hide the lilt caused by the gladness she felt in her heart at that moment. Angela had been so worried for Jane until now, but she could relax at last.

"You want to _see_ her do what?" Jane asked, assuming her mother had some sort of job for her to do or task for her to tackle, as usual.

"I just want to see you! Can't I want to see my only daughter once in a while?" Angela began to say the usual things she said when she was upset with Jane, but this time it seemed to give her a little glee, and Jane began to pick up on it, which left Jane pretty confused.

"So come home if you want to see me, you know where I live. I thought you lived here, too, as of three weeks ago, but you must have forgotten," Jane moved to hang up the phone, but stopped as she heard Angela's voice, loud again this time.

"Well, I wouldn't want to just ASSUME that-", Angela started to say.

"-You're up to something, aren't you?" asked Jane.

An unexpected giggle rose from Angela's throat when she remembered a certain look Maura had during their lunch, as she described something that happened to her and Jane during a case once-upon-a-time. Stifling her happiness for Jane's sake once again, Angela regained her self-control.

"_No_, _**no**_, of course I'm not **up** to something. I'll be home soon, I'm making lasagna with those egg noodles you like, but I need to drive now honey, so I gottagetoffthephone, OKAY? JANE? GOODBYE!", Angela juggled the groceries as her phone slid down her shoulder, managing to hang up with her shoulder and chin and just barely not drop the mozzarella.

Jane didn't know how to take her mother's strange behavior. Angela was always up to something, and she was…unique, as suspects went, but Jane had known the woman a long time and had never seen her this, well, giddy.

Jane put herself to work tidying up the papers and the general mess she and her mother had created in what seemed like no time at all. She put everything except the information about Ruth Anne's murder away somewhere, tucking the mess of papers back into the bins she hid in her anonymous storage unit. She'd take them all back where they belonged soon enough; all except one.

By the time Angela got home, Jane had put on an old DVR'd Celtic's game to sit back and watch. Jane had finally started to feel the beginning sensations of relaxation flow through her toes and shoulders.

So the loud, shrill tone of her mother's relentless stories and the endless banging cupboards were not exactly a welcome distraction to the tired detective-on-leave-of-absence. Jane wondered what she should call herself, now that everything was upside down and she didn't even get to use her worry-worn badge the way she had for so long.

It seemed to Jane, when she looked at all of them now, that everyone was acting strangely these days. The only thing that made sense to her detective mind is that people were hiding things, and now that she was beginning to be more honest with herself, maybe she was seeing things a little, tiny bit more clearly.

Except Jane didn't know what she was seeing, everything was still blurry. Her mother was hiding multiple things or something complicated, because she was crying one minute and happy as a clam the next. Maura was hiding physically, obviously, but she was also hiding things, Jane was sure of it.

Except, really, Jane had to be honest now with herself, she was the one who had been hiding things from Maura. There were so many things she had hidden from Maura. Instead of telling her or showing her any of those many things Jane could readily imagine now, Jane had trusted someone other than Maura.

Jane had trusted Dean instead, and now everything was ruined. '_Stupid, stupid Dean, stupid, STUPID me_!' she thought, as Jane forcibly heaved herself up from the couch she had just started to sink perfectly into.

Her sweatpants dragging a little on the ground, tanned arms showing themselves off against the white undershirt she wore so well, Jane went to help her mother with the groceries.

"So, what's so funny?" Jane shot over her shoulder as she put away the buttermilk.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Did you see where I put the chicken?" Angela answered quickly in an attempt to steer the conversation someplace else. Angela may have spent much of her life raising two cops, but she was still horrible at pretending not to have a secret, and they both knew it. Jane leaned in and fixed her wide, doe eyes on her mother intently.

"Mom_, please_, tell me the truth?" Jane managed to say in the most adorable, pitiful voice she could muster. She had been just a bit curious at first, just wanted to see how true her suspicions were about how odd everyone had been acting lately.

Now, Jane saw Angela's face change shape, twist into something a bit stranger than usual. It was raw pain, but just a quick flash of it, and then nothing else, except that Angela's eyes almost seemed to water at the edges, just not quite spilling over to her cheeks.

Angela looked up, into Jane's eyes directly at last. "Jane! I would never lie to you, how can you even ask me that?" Angela was genuinely hurt, her eyes crinkled a little at the edges, her eyebrows crinkled much the way Jane's did, in an expression of hurt wonder.

It was too late, however. Jane couldn't stop herself, somehow, **"really?"** she asked. Jane was not intending to push it as far as she had, but she realized that her voice was starting to come out of her throat by itself.

It had pushed its way from that spot between her eyebrows, down to her jaw, to the parts of her that were clamped down the tightest in her mouth, and then out to the air, where she could no longer contain the word she hadn't know she needed to ask Angela. Still, Jane really couldn't explain to herself why.

Except now it seemed horrifically plausible that something she was asking might be touching a truth too close to Angela for comfort. Jane noticed the tell-tale giveaways of a lie; the twitchy nose, the jaw clenches, the flared nostrils, the eyes moving faster. Jane had spent her entire life studying her mother, and had never seen her so intimately before.

Suddenly Angela was grotesque. She was crying, and Jane was frozen, trying to figure out what to do. Except she was smaller; Jane was small, and there had been a man, and he was gone now, and Angela was very big and very hurt…and Jane couldn't do anything. Jane screamed, "MOM!" and before she could reply, suddenly Angela's face changed, became older. Jane noticed that everything had been black and white, and was suddenly zooming back out into color, into perspective.

Angela was waiting for Jane to say something else. She had never seen Jane freeze that way before, just stop everything like that. Angela wanted to reach out and do something to comfort her, because she could tell that Jane was in what seemed to almost be a physical pain, but something about her daughter's face warned her away.

Jane lifted her ribcage consciously, breathed in deeply a few times, and settled herself as best she could. "Are you okay?" Angela finally asked, tentatively. Jane felt sick when she heard the more tender, quieter tone of voice that Angela was using. It was such a nice change from the shrill urgent guilt trips, but it was too late, and it made Jane feel disgusted with herself for having ever wanted it in the first place.

Angela was truly confused, she started to reach out to Jane to comfort her in some way, only to find Jane's hand draw back quickly in response.

"I need to be alone", Jane managed to get out between her clenched teeth. Her body had completely frozen up now, and she clenched herself tightly together, feeling all at once like she may never move again, and like she would crumble into a cliché amount of tiny pieces.


	5. Chapter 5

Maura finished wrapping up the remains of Bass's dinner. The kitchen was cold and she felt the weight of her loneliness settle around her. Maura shivered and headed to her room for an extra sweater.

The closet Maura chose also happened to house many of Jane's things. The medical examiner had stashed them away there after Angela had moved out, too angry and busy to return them to Jane, or throw them away. Maura dug through the bright blue soccer bag of Jane's youth, tossing aside a random assortment of gum wrappers and ponytail holders.

There was nothing in the bag, Maura didn't know what she had been expecting, she returned it to the closet and went to shut the door. Except, right as she was about to close the door for good, something caught Maura's eye. A bulge protruded out of the end of the soccer bag, a place Maura hadn't expected to find a zipper. There was a zipper, however, and now she pulled on it and held her breath, still not knowing why.

Maura's hand fastened on something that felt like a bullet and an egg combined, metal but oval. There was a switch on the side of it and a rotating wheel. Realizing what she was holding in her hand, Maura felt herself begin to blush. She was more than aware of the workings of human sexuality, and had never thought of herself as easily embarrassed, but something about holding Jane's vibrator in her hand made Maura's cheeks feel like they were on fire.

Maura reached up and felt her cheeks to discover that they really were warm to the touch, looked back at the thing in her hand that had been in Jane's vagina, and realized it was turning her on. It wasn't just turning Maura on, actually, she was already uncomfortably wet; her clit throbbed.

Thinking she should wash it first, Maura decided against the more rational option, and instead thought of Jane using the toy against her own mons while she tried in vain to catch Jane's scent still on the toy.

Her underwear could not come off quickly enough. Maura moved to the edge of the bed, her pelvis balancing right there where she imagined Jane would be on her knees or with a strap-on. Maura had never slept with a woman, but she knew what she wanted Jane to do already, without even knowing she had really thought about it before.

Maura thought about Jane leaning over her, the way her dark, curly haired would wash over Maura's face when Jane kissed her. She imagined the muscles in Jane's shoulders and back as they moved under her fingertips while Jane held herself above her. Jane would hold herself above her like that and reach down…

…Maura moved her own hand down her breasts and ribs, to her stomach, to the place where she wanted Jane's hand.

~TBC~


	6. Chapter 6

Maura's hand moved the toy precisely to where she could feel the phantom of Jane's skin on her own. She pushed down hard with Jane's toy on her clit in angry, quick circles, then back and forth. Maura imagined Jane's mouth on her as she came in a sudden surge of waves, imagined Jane's eyes on her as she came.

When it was over, Maura felt disgusted with herself. She had tried many times to make sure she separated negative emotions from sexual emotions, but she realized now that she was learning how to feel pleasure in the pain. It wasn't a BDSM thing in the usual way, but it was like a crush.

The way it hurt to look at Jane, like looking into the sun, but how much she loved it. Sometimes Maura would catch herself trying to memorize the smallest moments between them, and would have to consciously turn her head away. Jane was usually caught up in something else she was talking about anyway, or just dismissed it as typical 'Maura weirdness'.

Jane, Jane, Jane. Maura hated how hard it was to get her off of her mind. She climbed up from her bed and brought out the bag of Jane's things again. The doctor would normally sterilize all sex toys, but for some reason she didn't, instead replacing the vibrator in the bag as if she had never noticed it at all. How embarrassed Jane would be if she had known Maura found it!

Laughing a little to herself, Maura realized she was genuinely smiling at the thought of Jane for the first time a long while. The doctor wasn't angry at Jane anymore, she couldn't be, but she wouldn't just let things go as if nothing had happened. Jane couldn't get away with everything, right?

"Hi" Maura typed into her phone, hesitated, and then pressed 'SEND'.

Jane woke up in fetal position, tears dried on her face. The apartment was dark, and she felt more alone than she had, well, maybe ever. Although she hated the sound of her mom's nagging, Angela could be counted on to make it seem like a crowd was always around. Now, her absence was the only thing nagging Jane. Oh, yeah, and Maura's.

No one was coming. Angela had gone out, had left no note, was now MIA. Resisting the urge to curl even further up and never come back out of the fetal position, Jane made herself rise and go to the bathroom. Her head felt funny, like she was still asleep.

Woozily, Jane looked at her phone, expecting to see something from her mother indicating where she might be. Instead, a message popped up from the last person she was expecting to hear from; Maura.

"Hi". What could Jane say back? It wasn't a question, or an accusation, so she couldn't answer or get defensive. She had expected Maura to attack her more, and didn't truly believe this could be it. Jane's thumb hovered over her phone's keypad as she wondered what to say.


End file.
